TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically recognized for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have An additional location where by American Adult males can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: present All people a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he should end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the challenge, replied, "You already know, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head noticeable from space, a characteristic becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after getting the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Features


Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is previously attracting focus from Worldwide investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will even contain:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge where by my PTSD may have change-down services."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences recommend:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Views with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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